After the raging emotions of the last few weeks I have finally managed nearly two days in a row without any sort of anger or crying fit. This could be because I currently have a cold which has filled my head with cotton wool and is preventing my mind from thinking about anything else apart from how much it hurts. But whatever…I’m calling it progress anyway.
Yesterday S and I visited the psychologist at our fertility clinic. We only had to pay 20 euros and so we thought it can’t hurt so why not give it a go. I was sceptical about the appointment, not because I don’t believe in psychology (I studied psychology at university in fact), but because doing the session in a foreign language was not an enjoyable prospect.
As soon as we got into the room with the kindly looking man we asked him if he spoke English and he looked a bit sheepish and mumbled that he wasn’t very confident in it, so we had to push on through in Italian. My husband, who is totally fluent in Italian, began recounting our long story. He had to hand over to me after only a couple of minutes to explain the IVF procedures in detail (I always think that it’s strange that his brain is able to accommodate 4 foreign languages perfectly but seems to flatly refuse to store any knowledge relating to IVF procedures…haha…oh well).
I managed to bumble on through the rest of explanation of the three failed IVFs in Italian. The psychologist then asked me about my emotions and I attempted to explain as best I could. I tried to feel sad and angry (which represents my overriding emotions for the past 10 days) but found it rather challenging as my brain was actually enjoying the intellectual challenge of speaking at length in Italian to a new person. Afterwards S said that I smiled too much…but I couldn’t help it, a stranger was being kind and patiently listening to our problems in my bad Italian and I couldn’t help feeling a wave of gratitude towards him.
We explained the treatment by my employer: the firing two days after my embryo transfer and other things that I won’t go in to detail about here. He said that my boss was ‘mobbing’ me (a word that Italians use to mean ‘bullying’). He also said that the way women are often treated in Italy relation to children or fertility treatments is ‘medieval’ which definitely struck a chord. In addition to my treatment I have also heard other stories of behaviour that would be totally illegal in the UK and all of this has definitely added to my recent fragile state.
Overall we got some support from the session, and hopefully some help in helping to resolve the work issues at least. I’m not sure whether I will return to him as the language challenge makes things difficult. Instead I’ve found a couple of counsellors in the UK who may be able to provide Skype or telephone counselling for us.
So in summary, yesterday we made some small steps in a positive direction. S is being amazingly supportive through this, and we’re holding on to each other for dear life right now…