Ahh f*ck it…

So my strange limbo of being off sick at home from work has finally finished and so I am free to leave the house whenever I want to with risk of Italian government inspectors visiting. It’s amazing what you start to appreciate when you’ve had it taken away from you for a while.

I’d been wanting to get out of Italy ever since the redundancy and miscarriage happened back in March, so as soon as my contract ended I booked myself on a flight back to the UK for week.

A couple of week’s ago my husband and I found out that a colleague we used to work with had died suddenly. He was in his late 40s and although he did smoke a lot he was relatively healthy otherwise. The cause of death is still unknown (it wasn’t lung cancer despite the cigarettes). His funeral was yesterday in London so that was my first stop on this trip home.

It might sound strange, but I enjoyed his funeral. He was such a gregarious man who, although not married or with kids, had a large and strong group of friends and family who were absolutely torn apart to see him taken away so early in life. The ceremony itself was heartbreaking but interspersed with humour as the eulogies contained stories of his fantastic sense of humour. It seemed like more of a comedy show with all of us laughing in the pews (just has he would have wanted) in between the tears.

I remember the last time I saw him, a couple of years ago, when he was smoking Marlboro Reds (as he did every day). I remember asking him if he was ever going to give up smoking and he said something along the lines of “Ah f*ck it, I don’t want to live until I’m old, that’s boring, I’m living the way I want to”. And it struck me yesterday as I remembered this conversation that he’d done just what he said, he’d made the most his life by doing exactly what he wanted.

As we raised a glass or two to him at the wake (in a pub obviously) I reconnected with old colleagues and friends. Many of them have taken different journeys through life,  with alternative careers (and some without children) but all of whom seemed fiercely happy. It was truly inspiring.

It made me remember the former me, the me who was always up for a party/drink/late night adventure. I don’t for one second regret those days, but instead look at them and smile inside. I was living the way I wanted to (admittedly with quite a few hangovers).

On the way home it made me wonder about what I’ll do if the next FET fails. I’ve been so boring through the last few years (eating healthily, minimal or no booze etc) that I’ve lost the fun mischievous part of me…and it’s high time that I got a bit stupid again.

So if this FET fails I’m going on a bender… (ok, don’t worry too much, my alcohol tolerance is so low that it probably won’t last long, but I’ll have fun).

Yesterday at the wake my old boss (who’s the most inspiring woman I’ve ever met and who also happens to be childfree in her late 40s) offered me a place to stay in Ibiza this summer. She’s just got a new job running an interactive/immersive/digital events agency there. So who knows, if the FET fails I might head over the Balearics for a party.

If this FET fails I’m gonna have fun, the way I used to, and not feel guilty about any of it any more…

Have a great weekend guys.


24 thoughts on “Ahh f*ck it…

  1. OMG you should totally do it! Good for you. Obviously I hope the FET works, but an Ibiza break could be just what you need. Also, when kids do come along (and they will, in some way or other!) you won’t be able to do the spontaneous things, so do it now. I sometimes wish I hadn’t put my life on hold while going through TTC hell (but that’s said with the benefit of hindsight and things having worked out…I know if I were in the position again I would do exactly what I did). Although I’m sad your friend has died, I’m glad it’s given you some positivity and has made you decide to have more fun 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This post. My life. I realised this the other day too. And so this summer will be all about the fun.
    Please go to California Bakery and eat a giant slice of their epic chocolate cheesecake for me, when you go on your bender!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. After mc 4, I got a tattoo on my leg that says “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live” yeah, I’m a huge Harry Potter fan. Lol. But this held so true. And so I did, and I regret none of it.

    Have fun and take care! And as always Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Holy crap! I needed to read this right now. I’ve been thinking of this A LOT lately. For years I’ve been living ‘safely’ holding back on everything, and 2 years after doing every freaking thing by the book I’m still no closer to being pregnant. Made me wonder whether it’s done anything other than put too many rules in my life. Since my D&C I’ve been drinking often, eating dessert pretty much every night and just being a bad ass rebel in general haha. And I’ve definitely been thinking ‘f*ck it’, I know that this won’t be a long term thing, but at the moment it just feels like an epic release. We sacrifice so much. Go wild 😜

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    • Haha good for you!!! Enjoy it and don’t feel guilty. The stuff we put ourselves through on top of the IVF is truly unbelievable. It’s pretty impossible to explain to someone who’s not been through it.


  5. I’m so sorry to hear of your friend’s sudden death, that is incredibly sad. He sounds like he had personality! He obviously made an impact on many and made the most of his life. I think that’s more important than living a long boring ‘too safe’ life. When I lost my godfather this year it was so sad but it was good to reflect on his life and ponder the lessons I had learnt from him xx

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  6. I am sorry about your friend and glad you could take away something powerful from what sounds like an awesome person. I have felt this kind of F’ it attitude too and am working hard to be that fun and full of life and adventure person I was before IF. The nights when I feel free and let’s be honest a bit buzzed also give me more stamina for this fight. Ibiza sounds amazing!

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  7. Excellent. Yeah when we went to Paris 4 days after our first failed DEIVF I drank wine at 2 out of 3 meals, every day without fail. After months of denying myself anything I enjoyed, I just said screw it 🙂 The second cycle I had a wee bit of alcohol here and there and the third cycle I just lived normally. No difference in results, so for me I’ve just got to live my life in whatever way keeps me the sanest – cheers to your friend who did the same! (And I must agree, some funerals can be quite fun – I had a colleague pass away suddenly at 42 several years back who seemed to have a similar spirit as your friend, and the reunion of so many people who had once worked with him at our same company and, yep, raising glasses to him was definitely good to have. I’ll take pub wakes over unbearably dreadfully long Catholic church services any day of the week…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey there…Yes I seem to have had a lot of guilt about indulging during IVF…mainly due to my eggs being rubbish and having the BT. It’s also been a pretty non stop road from this time last year when we did our first IVF to now (one full IVF cycle plus two egg collection rounds and one FET later). The only time I let my hair down was when I had an agonisingly painful wisdom tooth extraction when I got wasted on codeine and red wine for a few days straight. Anyway how are you doing? Have you got any timescales for your treatments yet?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well I do understand about eggs being rubbish… ours has been non-stop for the last year as well and it’s insanely exhausting… what’s unusual for me is that we went straight into donor eggs… I can’t even imagine what egg collection must be like as we bypassed that…damn hard on the body… my quiet evil has been ice cream, having gained 40 pounds in a year is something I never could have predicted. Our fourth and final cycle will be on June 23rd. After that my husband and I have confirmed that we want our marriage to be without hormones and shots… he had a medical condition that we were dealing with during the first months of our marriage and then it went right into my infertility, so we don’t even know what it feels like to be married and not be battling something with doctors. I wish all of us on the blogs were in the same place so we could all meet somewhere and have a round of drinks without guilt!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Happy weekend! I’m sorry to hear about your friend dying. It sounds like a great send off and I think the best ones are when you remember all the great things about the person, and it becomes a celebration of their life.

    As for the Balearics – do it! There’s a lot to be said for sun and holiday season to make you feel better about life. Why not? It’s hard to be sad on holiday!

    Liked by 1 person

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