Feeling a little bit lighter…

It’s been a while since my last update as I’ve been away on a short holiday to the UK to visit friends and family and get some much needed perspective after the last few months of misery (FET, chemical pregnancy, being fired, loneliness etc).

I spent the first day at a funeral (see previous post) and then headed down to Cornwall with my parents to hang out, run and do yoga. I caught up with a friend there who I haven’t seen in years who it turns out is also in the throws of multiple IVFs. It was great to be able to talk to someone who just gets it and to be able to just rant without having to worry that we’d upset someone.

I finished the week with a hen do in Bath in the west of England. I’d lost contact with some of the girls so it was great to catch up again. One of them was a former ‘partner in crime’ (in our twenties in London we’d end up going for a ‘quiet drink’ which would turn into a huge bender and possibly calling in sick at work the following day). I was severely limiting my drinking that weekend (due to my impending FET) but we still had a lot of fun with Bollywood dancing lessons and a night out on the town. The weekend was a further reminder of the former me. The one who partied and laughed all the time. The one I’m determined to get back to as soon as possible.

I’m back in Milan now and feeling mentally a little lighter than when I left. And it looks like some things might be starting to go my way at last as I may potentially have a job on the cards. Nothing is guaranteed yet but it feels good to be wanted again. The double blow of FET (with PGS normal embryo) failure and then redundancy in the space of a couple of weeks were a big blow for me.

My period started on Sunday so I’ve started the estrogen pills and booked in for my first lining check next Monday morning. I’m feeling particularly pessimistic about this FET (and so is my husband) but I’m going to do it anyway and instead focus on all the things that I’m gonna do if (i.e. when) the FET fails. So far the list contains…

1) Start dance lessons: I’ve been feeling lonely in Milan and I think dancing would be a great way to connect with other women here. I’m not particularly coordinated but I just about managed the Bollywood lessons and really enjoyed the music and have found some lessons nearby.

2) Restart my boot camp training: I’ve stopped these HIIT sessions as they are too extreme for the FET. But I did really enjoy them and they were sociable. So will for sure be back on them if (i.e. when) the FET fails.

3) Book a holiday in January to Canada to see my cousin: my cousin gave birth to identical twin girls this week (she fell pregnant by accident…however that happens) but I love her dearly and am aching to see her little girls and her. We’ve been putting it off for 3 years due to various things (getting married then infertility stuff) and so I don’t want to put it off any longer.

4) Go to Ibiza this summer to visit my old boss: see previous post

5) Have a few months properly off IVF and anything fertility related: this means eating and drinking exactly what I like and putting off any decisions for a while.

I returned to a glorious sunny day in Milan and thought I’d share with you this photo of the poppies near my house. Happy Thursday everyone…




24 thoughts on “Feeling a little bit lighter…

  1. Gorgeous picture and good for you on all fronts. I’m glad you got some R&R away from “it all”. I must say if our 4th and final attempt doesn’t work, I’ve got a backup plan to hire a personal trainer, something I’ve always wanted to do and claimed I couldn’t afford (even though here I am spending thousands on IVF…interesting!). I tried Bollywood in a former Zumba class and it was SO much fun!!! Go get ’em tiger! Hope the estrogen pills are kind to you – I find them even harder than the booty shots!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! So do I! I’m on 3 a day at the moment which was fine last time, the problems started when I went onto 4 a day and added the patches…we’ll see. At least I know what’s coming this time around. How are you doing? Have you had your operations yet?


      • I had my skin cancer carved out last week so that’s super attractive (looks like someone burned a cigar out on my leg – in metrics its about 20-25mm in diameter, about 3X bigger than the thing that was removed). MRI was never done this week as they didn’t read my chart as when I arrived to have it done they didn’t know what I was talking about and claimed that my doctor should have sent me to a different department, so now I have to wait til after IVF as I can’t do it once I start injections next week and it has to be done on a certain date of your cycle. Incompetence in the medical system never fails to amaze…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post, read it with a big grin on my face. It’s really important to still plan other things so we don’t get sucked into the big infertility hole. I think your plans sound wonderful but hoping at the same time you won’t need them and that this FET is the one! X


      • I totally understand why that works better for you, so keep doing whatever you need to get by.
        Some days I feel fine, and then others I feel quite down. I’m supposed to return to the specialist in just under a fortnight, hopefully we will be able to discuss why only 2 eggs fertilised out of 11, and see if we can improve that. I guess we’ll be starting from scratch again as soon as my body is ready. I’m really anxious about trying again because we only got one embryo on the first go…I’m trying not to think about it too much, looking for distractions wherever I can X

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ah I know it’s so hard. As you say…do whatever you need to get by. I think you’ll feel better after the appointment. They can tweak drugs which will make a huge difference to egg (and therefore) embryo quality. I had quite different results on my three cycle and the first was my worst by far. Keep your chin up X

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Love the poppy! Beautiful 🙂

    So nice to hear your update and to hear that things are improving. You’re doing so well at being pro-active and trying to get the old you back. I really hope that the various classes pay off and that you get some confidence and happiness back, and hopefully get to meet some nice people along the way!

    x x x

    Liked by 1 person

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