Sorry I’ve been off the radar for a while. It’s been two weeks since we found out about the second chemical pregnancy with a PGS normal embryo. I’ve been attempting to get over the pain and keep myself busy and focused on positive things…with mixed results.
I was back in London for a few days last week to catch up with a very good friend who was visiting from Australia. We got drunk on mojitos and ate Mexican food and it felt great. I also caught up with some other friends and generally tried to stay positive though it wasn’t as easy as expected due to something totally unrelated to infertility…
As you can imagine I’m a strong EU supporter because I’m one of the few British people who have actually used my passport to live and work in Europe. So for me the result of last Thursday’s the EU referendum was a disaster. Waking up on Friday morning to the Brexit result was a total shock. I felt a heavy sense of grief about the result…about those future generations (perhaps our children) who wouldn’t be able to take advantage of the opportunities that I have had, and also about of xenophobia that is on the rise in my home country.
I was also deeply upset that my father had voted for ‘Leave’ and spent my last two days in the UK in shouting matches with him. Perhaps I was taking very personally because of the extra grief that I’m carrying around due to the IVF. But I can’t help feeling that by voting for Brexit he, and the other Leave voters, have contributed in making my life even more uncertain than ever as my husband and I now face questions about visas and residency here in Italy. And adding more uncertainty to our lives was the last thing we needed. So all in all the trip wasn’t the best distraction from our IVF woes to be honest.
I returned to Italy on Sunday and started my new job this week, it’s been good, really good in fact so far. The people are nice, and I am speaking Italian a lot of the time which helps me feel more connected and integrated (it’s easy to fall into an English ‘bubble’ as an expat). In the last couple of days I’ve been feeling relatively normal in fact.
Unfortunately today I realised with a jolt that these few days had been a fantasy land. One of my of very good friends here in Milan is pregnant (she did IVF twice) and texted me to say that has gone into the hospital this evening to be induced. At first I felt excited and nervous for her and then about 10 minutes later the grief and sadness hit me like a brick wall. I was at my new work and I had to run to the toilets and hide for a while.
I guess it’s understandable as it’s only been two weeks since we found out about the second chemical pregnancy (of our third IVF). I truly am happy for my friend, but it feels like a massive reminder of what my husband and I don’t have. And at the moment our infertility journey looks harder than even.
On that note I took advantage of being in London to see a doctor at the Lister Fertility Clinic that Waiting to Expect had kindly given me. I went into the appointment feeling prepared to talk about donor eggs as a next step, but the doctor actually more pushed the ‘trying again with own egg’ option. As a result I felt like I came out of the appointment feeling even more confused. In terms of logistics doing a full IVF (not just FET) would be pretty hard with my new job in Italy and doing it at this clinic with the PGD testing (for my BT) would cost a fortune…and I feel like we’ve already tried that 3 times.
At the moment I feel like I’m pretty much at the end of my patience with doing full IVFs with egg retrievals (and the dreaded wait for PGS results). Perhaps I’ll feel differently in a few weeks. I just don’t know. I feel like I don’t have a plan anymore…and don’t particularly want one…I just want the hurting to end.