Hello rock bottom, again

So here we are…at rock bottom again…we’ve been here a lot recently…I had a cry yesterday…admittedly not as much as last time but I think that’s because I’m getting used to the disappointment.

I took another pee test this morning (just to double check that some miracle hadn’t happened overnight) but the test was pretty much BFN so that’s my confirmation. I am stopping the drugs today.

I’ve asked to see the boss of the clinic to discuss what happened. The first appointment is 13 July so a few week’s away. I’ve also emailed the Lister clinic in London to see if I can get an appointment for next week, and also IVF Serum in Greece to see when they have availability. We’re not going to rush into any decisions…but instead get opinions from a few different places before working out next steps. My gut is feeling like maybe we should move onto donor eggs (which my husband is in favour of) but then due to the 2 chemicals I’m worried that we’ll have the same issues again. I’ve created a list of questions to ask the clinics, which no doubt will get longer before the appointments.

I guess the only ‘good’ thing that has come out of this is that I feel stronger this time. When I was waiting for the beta results call yesterday I kept telling myself that whatever happened I would be ok. And even though this hurts like hell, I know deep down now that it will be ok. We will get through this, we have before and we will again.

In the previous failed FET I also got made redundant and had a very nasty break up with that employer (involving threats of legal proceedings etc). The two factors combined to nearly push me over the edge. I was in a very dark place for a month or two afterwards and have lost a good friend along the way as a result.

This time around I instead have a new job to look forward to and a bit of free time beforehand to make the most of. So things in the rest of life are much better. I know that this time around I want to get back to the happy me (the one I used to be) as soon as possible. For that reason I’m heading to London next week to catch up with friends and to attempt to smile as much as possible. I’m sure there will be tears too….but if I can even laugh a little bit then I know I’ll be getting better.

So for now I’m clinging to the words of Brene Brown in ‘Rising Strong’…we infertility warriors are the true masters of this…

Happy Thursday folks…





13 thoughts on “Hello rock bottom, again

  1. Again, I’m so sorry. But you’re right, you’ve made it through before and you will again. I think what you’re doing helps. Taking some time to have some fun, and going for multiple opinions before you make any real decisions. Hopefully it’ll provide some clarity and you’ll feel good about what the Drs suggest.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry I’m a few days behind. Wonky, I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. It is not fair and you don’t deserve it and there simply isn’t any justice in this world 😦 I know it doesn’t mean much at the moment, but I think you are being so unbelievably brave about the whole thing. You are obviously an incredibly strong woman, so you WILL get through this.

    Good luck at the various other clinics and exploring your other options. I really hope some good news is round the corner.

    Lots and lots of hugs x x x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks very much. To be honest I’m surprising myself at how well I’m coping this time. I think it’s because I made a long list of nice things to do if this fails and working my way through them one by one…there’s no way to move but forward so that’s where I’m going…a bit battle scarred but still in one piece. How are you?


  3. I wish I could be in London to give you a big giant hug! (And maybe for a nice vacay for myself 😉 LOL! It sounds like you are doing very well and like you said, you’ll be ok. It will take time and it sounds like you have some things to think about but no matter what, you’ll be ok. I keep you close in my thoughts and prayers! (HUGS)

    Liked by 1 person

      • I’m good. Waiting on one final blood test (should hear Monday) and we are ready to roll. The donor has been on BCP for almost three weeks now so we won’t have to wait on that and the nurse assures me she is just as anxious as I am to get started. I on the other hand could puke from the anxiety – haha! You’ve been on my mind girl – I’m here if you need to chat.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Exciting news! I think donor eggs are probably our next step (depending on what the doctors say). I’ll be following you closely. Sending you loads and loads of luck!


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