Today has been a difficult day…
After finding out about out second chemical with a PGD/PGS normal embryo I had a bit of a cry with my husband on Wednesday and then tried to bumble on and focus on happier things. I was pretty surprised that it sort of worked. I kept myself busy seeing friends at the weekend and am preparing to start my new job.
I knew today would be difficult. I had to go back to the fertility clinic first thing to get another HCG test (to check that the numbers are back at zero). I hate returning for those pointless blood tests, it feels like rubbing salt into the wound. In addition my period arrived today, and when changing a tampon earlier I noticed a large clot/red blob. I couldn’t help but think that it was probably our dead embryo/foetus and the full pain of this failure hit me then.
It’s hard to describe real grief to someone who hasn’t felt it. But I guess for me it’s when I experience both acute physical and mental pain. And they actually feed off each other. When the first transfer failed I crumpled to the floor and lay there wailing (like you see those women do on TV news when they’ve found out that their child has died in an airstrike or terrorist attack).
Today was a similar feeling, though not as extreme thankfully (probably due to being toughened up by last time). I feel like I’m walking around with a big gaping wound that just hurts like hell right now. Ignoring won’t help it heal but instead prolongs the pain. The only way is to face up to it, let it wash over and accept that in time it will ease…because I know it will.
I know we’ll be ok, we’ll get our family somehow. I think it’s likely that I’ll have to grieve lost hopes and broken dreams (i.e. a genetic link to my child or the chance of being pregnant myself versus using a surrogate). I know that these challenges will be hard, but I also know that we’re strong enough to get through them…after all we’ve got this far…and just for that I’m feeling bloody proud.
So, now the longest day of the year is finally over, it’s time to crawl under the bedcovers with the vague hope that things will hurt less tomorrow.
Night night all…