FET#2: 6dp5dt

So today my patience is starting to wear thin…

As mentioned in my previous post I have come back to see my parents for a few days.

The reason I did this was because I’m not working in Milan at the moment and so I spend a lot of time alone there. In addition my husband is away for a 4 day stag do at the Isle of Wight festival this weekend so if I’d stayed in Milan I would be home alone all weekend there too. So instead I’m here hanging out with retired parents.

I have a weird relationship with my parents where in the first couple of days I really enjoy hanging out with them. But after that the novelty wears off and their constant mothering really starts to bug me (I’m sure I’m not alone in this!) It means that I start to revert to the teenager who wants to escape and rebel and not be bossed around.

Normally (i.e.when not doing IVF) I would keep myself sane by getting out for a run or heading down to London to have drinks with childless mates or seeing friends with kids.

Obviously running is out of bounds at the moment…and to make matters worse my mother is such a worrier that I had a battle just to get out for a walk today.

In terms of friends I have to go into London which is quite a full on journey from where my parents live particularly as it’s hot at the moment. I could probably do it…but I don’t want to overdo it in any way and then regret it afterwards.

So I’m kinda stuck…watching endless debates on the EU referendum which are interesting for the first few hours but after that seem to repeat themselves.

I just feel so stuck.

I know it’s only a few more days and I need to be patient but I’m oscillating wildly at the moment between wanting this all to be over because I’m sick of not living life my way (for more see my ahh f*ck it post) versus moments of optimism and talking to my belly.

Today has mostly been the former, but just as I was about to shed some tears of frustration I came across an album of baby photos of me that I’m not even sure I’ve seen before (see below). My plan is to stare at them until I fall asleep tonight and ask the universe for a couple of day’s more patience. Wish me luck.

dav

This is me at the grand old age of 20 days

FYI – this FET I am taking…

  • Prometrium progesterone pessaries 3 x day
  • Progynova (estradiol) 4 pills a day
  • Prednisone 5mg per day starting from transfer
  • Aspirin
  • Vit D
  • Methylated Vit B9 & 12 (as I have a MTHFR mutation)
Advertisements

FET#2: 5dp5dt

So getting there slowly. We returned from our short weekend break on Sunday night and the husband went back to work which meant I was at home alone….not great for the TWW as there are few (i.e. no) distractions.

I’d had no symptoms whatsoever and was going a bit stir crazy by myself so I decided to book some cheap flights back to the UK and hang out with my parents for a few days. I flew yesterday afternoon and at the airport had a sudden, out of nowhere, tummy upset (I’m talking three visits to a toilet in quick succession in various different parts of Departures).

It could very well be the drugs (the Prednisone caused bloating and mild depression in the first couple of days of this TWW) but I also had a similar thing on 2dp5dt on my last FET which was a chemical. So I’m hoping and praying that it’s a good sign related to implantation….we shall see. No sore boobs or anything else, but I read online that Prednisone can mask pregnancy symptoms, so that made me stop worrying too much about it all.

Emotionally I’m feeling much better now the depression from the Prednisone has worn off…I was crying every few minutes on Sunday afternoon/Monday and I kept having to remind myself that it was the drugs. I’m sleeping pretty well, and I’m feeling like I’ll be ok whatever the outcome.

Being in the UK helps massively, as it feels like a mental break from Italy where all of my IVF has taken place thusfar. I’m glad I decided to come…even if I do have to watch that horrible man (i.e. Nigel Farage) on TV every night at the moment.

I’m here until Sunday evening, at which point I fly back to Milan and start considering testing at home ahead of the official beta on Wednesday (which is 12dp5dt). In the meantime I plan to eat my body weight in English strawberries and asparagus.

So in honour of the lovely English summer here are a few gratuitous shots that I took last year…

SONY DSC

SONY DSC

SONY DSC

 

FYI – this FET I am taking…

  • Prometrium progesterone pessaries 3 x day
  • Progynova (estradiol) 4 pills a day
  • Prednisone 5mg per day starting from transfer
  • Aspirin
  • Vit D
  • Methylated Vit B9 & 12 (as I have a MTHFR mutation)

FET#2: 2dp5dt

So after the transfer and a good night’s sleep yesterday morning my husband and I headed out of Milan for a short weekend break to Bologna. Mainly because everyone else was out of town (it’s a long weekend here in Italy) but also because we thought it would be good to keep distracted. Our hotel was lovely and I had a lovely day lazing around it whilst my husband went sightseeing. Then we headed out of a fabulous dinner at a jazz club.

Today I’ve been more subdued. This day (2 days past transfer) in my last FET was when I had an upset tummy (I had a chemical so I suspect that the tummy was related to implantation). Today I’ve have nothing so far (it’s 4.30pm here).

All I feel is bloated this time like my first fresh transfer (which was a BFN). I know it could mean nothing but it’s so hard not to compare. Plus with the fact it was a grade C embryo (ok PGD normal though).

I’m also feeling subdued as on this day last transfer I was sacked by my ex-boss (the worst timing ever). I can’t help but brood on the fact that the stress of that might have caused the chemical…I can’t prove it in any way and it’s better not to think about it, but going through the transfer again brings up all these memories and emotions again which are still fairly raw.

I’ve sent the husband off walking now and I’m sitting at a cafè having a rooibos tea (I’m trying to take it easy and not walk too much). The sun is out and I’m in a beautiful spot (see photo just taken). I should be happy and enjoying the moment but it’s just so damn hard sometimes….

dav

FYI – this FET I am taking…

  • Prometrium progesterone pessaries 3 x day
  • Progynova (estradiol) 4 pills a day
  • Prednisone 5mg per day starting from transfer
  • Aspirin
  • Vit D
  • Methylated Vit B9 & 12 (as I have a MTHFR mutation)

This morning

This is gonna be me today after a bad night’s sleep. I drifted off at 11pm-ish but woke with a start when my husband came to bed (around 2ish?) and due to a combination of nerves and heat and mosquitoes I didn’t properly sleep from 4am onwards but instead drifted on and out of consciousness. Boh…

tired-dog

At least the tiredness has taken the edge off any nerves. Feeling bizarrely calm again, just expectant instead of panicked. Should get the call in the next two hours to find out if our embryo thawed out ok.

FYI – this FET I am taking…

  • Prometrium progesterone pessaries 3 x day
  • Progynova (estradiol) 4 pills a day
  • Prednisone 5mg per day starting from transfer
  • Aspirin
  • Vit D
  • Methylated Vit B9 & 12 (as I have a MTHFR mutation)

FET #2: Transfer day eve

So it’s the big ‘T’ day tomorrow. I’m feeling weirdly calm about it which is a big improvement from last time so that’s good at least. Not working helps, as does yoga.

I had a mini attack of the nerves last night am proud to say that with a bit of yoga I got over it. I know that tomorrow will be stressful but I’ll just have to deal with it when I get to it.

I have to pop a Prednisone pill in addition to my usual drugs (and pessary) when I first wake up then wait beside the telephone between 8&10am to hear whether our little C grade embryo has defrosted ok. If yes, then they’ll tell me what time to come in to the clinic. That will be followed by lots of waiting around at the hospital with a full bladder (it’s impossible to judge the whole bladder thing because of the random amounts of time they keep you waiting at our hospital…fun fun fun).

It’s a public holiday here in Italy today and 99% of the people in Milan have taken the Friday off for a long weekend. I was worried about my acupuncturist being away but he’s stayed in town especially for me (what an amazing man!) I had my pre session this afternoon with him and have my post one straight after the hospital tomorrow. To thank him I’ve baked some lemon cupcakes (see photo…the lettering spells out ‘grazie mille’). They’re a bit messy and nowhere near as good as Nara’s cupcakes, but hopefully they’ll be appreciated.

dav

So all in all feeling bizarrely ok. I think having low expectations helps this time, oh and knowing that I can’t be sacked midway through the two week wait.

I know that whatever happens we’ll be ok.

I hope everyone else out there is doing ok today. Happy Italian Republic Day from a very rainy Milan.

 

 

Feeling a little bit lighter…

It’s been a while since my last update as I’ve been away on a short holiday to the UK to visit friends and family and get some much needed perspective after the last few months of misery (FET, chemical pregnancy, being fired, loneliness etc).

I spent the first day at a funeral (see previous post) and then headed down to Cornwall with my parents to hang out, run and do yoga. I caught up with a friend there who I haven’t seen in years who it turns out is also in the throws of multiple IVFs. It was great to be able to talk to someone who just gets it and to be able to just rant without having to worry that we’d upset someone.

I finished the week with a hen do in Bath in the west of England. I’d lost contact with some of the girls so it was great to catch up again. One of them was a former ‘partner in crime’ (in our twenties in London we’d end up going for a ‘quiet drink’ which would turn into a huge bender and possibly calling in sick at work the following day). I was severely limiting my drinking that weekend (due to my impending FET) but we still had a lot of fun with Bollywood dancing lessons and a night out on the town. The weekend was a further reminder of the former me. The one who partied and laughed all the time. The one I’m determined to get back to as soon as possible.

I’m back in Milan now and feeling mentally a little lighter than when I left. And it looks like some things might be starting to go my way at last as I may potentially have a job on the cards. Nothing is guaranteed yet but it feels good to be wanted again. The double blow of FET (with PGS normal embryo) failure and then redundancy in the space of a couple of weeks were a big blow for me.

My period started on Sunday so I’ve started the estrogen pills and booked in for my first lining check next Monday morning. I’m feeling particularly pessimistic about this FET (and so is my husband) but I’m going to do it anyway and instead focus on all the things that I’m gonna do if (i.e. when) the FET fails. So far the list contains…

1) Start dance lessons: I’ve been feeling lonely in Milan and I think dancing would be a great way to connect with other women here. I’m not particularly coordinated but I just about managed the Bollywood lessons and really enjoyed the music and have found some lessons nearby.

2) Restart my boot camp training: I’ve stopped these HIIT sessions as they are too extreme for the FET. But I did really enjoy them and they were sociable. So will for sure be back on them if (i.e. when) the FET fails.

3) Book a holiday in January to Canada to see my cousin: my cousin gave birth to identical twin girls this week (she fell pregnant by accident…however that happens) but I love her dearly and am aching to see her little girls and her. We’ve been putting it off for 3 years due to various things (getting married then infertility stuff) and so I don’t want to put it off any longer.

4) Go to Ibiza this summer to visit my old boss: see previous post

5) Have a few months properly off IVF and anything fertility related: this means eating and drinking exactly what I like and putting off any decisions for a while.

I returned to a glorious sunny day in Milan and thought I’d share with you this photo of the poppies near my house. Happy Thursday everyone…

dav

 

Loneliness…

Up until yesterday I’d been having a pretty good couple of weeks emotionally. Probably partly due to the exercise and sunshine. I even organised a surprise baby shower for a good friend (who struggled with infertility for 5 years and did IVF). It was a lovely day and great to see her so happy.

Unfortunately I had an unexpected crash yesterday. Something small set it off, as it often does. As I mentioned in my earlier posts I was made redundant from my work (2 days after my embryo transfer). I decided to take long sick leave for the remainder of my work and notice period (which finally finishes this week) as I couldn’t face seeing my nasty boss again. This means that I have been at home, mostly alone, as I’ve had to stay at home for the majority of the day in case the health board come to check up on me (a long story but in short is due to ridiculous rules here in Italy).

These long periods at home alone have been lonely but bearable, due to the exercise and occasionally seeing friends. I’ve made my life small so that I can manage it and overcome the stress that was crushing me before.

Yesterday I was out with my husband and some friends and my two female ex-work colleagues (who are good friends and part of the small ex-pat friendship group I have here in Italy). One of them left our work on Friday and is starting at a new place on Monday….so obviously emotions are flying between the two of them for that reason.

I feel embarrassed to say it but I had the most horrible sense of jealously about their constant hugging and closeness during the weekend and particularly yesterday. It made me feel so left out (and I’m sure it wasn’t meant that way, but I couldn’t help my emotions which ended up coming out in tears like a looney person).

My departure from work was so sudden (I didn’t even have time to say goodbye to anyone). Since then, due to aforementioned logistics, I’ve not seen much of either of them and so I feel quite cut off from them now. It doesn’t help that they are a few years younger than me and obviously have more in common with each other than me, and of course they both don’t have infertility struggles so can drink at parties (which is something I really miss, having been a big party girl in my time).

I feel like I’m struggling with loneliness on three fronts at the moment…

  1. Living in a foreign country makes my friendship group is naturally smaller. We’ve only lived here for 3 years and moved in our mid 30’s so its harder to make loads and loads of friends, and many of them are younger, which can make things harder sometimes. The language barrier also makes things harder, and the fact that many Italian women are very different from me and can be very reserved.
  2. Not working at the moment, and therefore not having daily regular contact with people. This means not having relatively easy chances to make new friends or keep current friendships strong. I am in two minds about working again in the near future due to my the upcoming FET and the stress so am stuck in limbo at the moment.
  3. And of course, infertility, with the disconnection with friends who are mothers and also from single friends who are out partying and drinking (which are of course off limits for me). In addition the sadness of infertility knocks my overall happiness and ability to go out and make new friends.

I know that I’m a resourceful person…but at present, when it comes to this situation, I’m all out of ideas…the combination of these factors seem to be sucking the life out of me right now….

Exercising (and talking) the pain away

The last few days have been a series of ups and downs…

I picked up my immunology blood test results last Friday (see last post) and have been waiting since then to have an appointment with the hospital to discuss the results and next steps. The appointment was meant to be yesterday afternoon and I had done a good job of keeping myself busy and distracted through the weekend. S and I had a last minute trip to Turin with two friends (which was spent mostly walking, talking and eating).

sdr

The house where we stayed in Turin this weekend

But on Monday my patience broke down when I received an email from the clinic to say that my appointment had been moved from Tuesday to Friday (to a time that I couldn’t do). This small hiccup was enough to send me over the edge as I had received these very worrying test results last Friday and was expected to wait probably at least another week to get some sort of conversation about them with a medical professional.

I had a good cry for a couple of hours, screamed at the world and then pulled myself together (well, what else can you do?) then took myself off to a new boot camp club that I had signed up for. There’s nothing like a bit of lactic acid, lung burning exercise to distract yourself from your emotional misery. I came home broken (both physically and emotionally) and passed out in bed…

myfitnesspal-burpees

This is not me by the way, I look waaaay worse when exercising

Yesterday was spent recovering from the boot camp and waiting for a new appointment. I asked my husband to call the doctor directly and put some pressure on them as I find it hard to have complex nuanced conversations like that in Italian on the phone (I worry that I’ll come across as too direct or too nice or just lose the thread of what they are saying without the visual cues to help me). Late yesterday I found out that the hospital have fitted me in first thing on Friday morning (a huge relief!)

Yesterday I also had my first appointment with a British based infertility counsellor via Skype. It’s been something that I’ve been meaning to do since my last FET failure. I was offered counselling here in Italy and went to one session but as it was all in Italian I found that my brain was too busy processing the language to actually feel any kind of emotional engagement to the session.

The British counsellor was kind and patient, we spent the first session mostly talking about my back story. I feel positive about her and hope that she can help me manage my anxiety through my next FET (whenever that might be).

 

Green fingers (or lack thereof)

I really don’t have much to blog about at the moment as I’m just waiting.  In terms of IVF we have our next appointment at the hospital on Tuesday next week. My period is due around the same time and so I’m really hoping that it doesn’t show up a day or two before because we’ll have to wait until the next cycle to start.

The waiting is more difficult that usual because of my recent work issues which means I am confined to the house at the moment for most of the day and am not working and so steadily getting more and more bored…

I’d like to get another job to keep myself occupied but am reticent to because for me a new job often equals stress which wouldn’t be good for our FET (especially after I got fired during the previous FET). So it’s pottering for me for the next few months…

To occupy myself I have taken up gardening (which I am totally USELESS at…over the years I’ve killed countless numbers of previously healthy plants). This time I’ve researched which to buy for the weather conditions and how to look after them. I’ve even bought some tomato plants and a lemon tree and I’m determined that something in this house will be fertile in the next few months (even if it isn’t me…haha!)

Below is a shot of my kitchen balcony. The lemon tree was already bearing the fruit when I bought it so I can’t take the glory for that unfortunately. Considering buying some herbs as well…hmm any ideas?

dav

I hope everyone else’s little seeds (human or plant based) are developing and growing well today…